


Clash Of Clans

by orphan_account



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe-Clan Wars, Alternate Universe-Underground Caverns, Aspect powers, Blood, Cats, Corpses, Crack Fic, I Don't Even Know, Imprisonment, Magic, Pranking, Violence, War, what is this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-28
Updated: 2017-03-01
Packaged: 2018-09-27 14:12:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 2,318
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10024277
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: A mostly nonsensical Crack Fic based on a dream I had once, written for fun.





	1. Prologue 1, Trapped

Your name is JANE CROCKER.

 

You have been TURNED INTO A CAT and LOCKED UP IN A ROOM. You have NO IDEA how this happened.

 

At the very least, you seem to be able to talk to your friends. You can hear their voices vibrating around the room, confused and scared. You look around with your eyes, which seemed to have turned a bright lime green for NO REASON, and spot a large pile of blocks in the corner. You immediately start gathering the blocks, which are woody in appearance, and use them to build a staircase leading up to the SINGLE WINDOW IN YOUR STONE PRISON. You start climbing the blocks, only to ACCIDENTALLY SHRED THEM with your SHARP KITTY CLAWS. Agh!

 

From what you can hear, it seems like your friends are doing the exact same thing. You talk to them a bit, and find out that their prisons are nearly identical to yours, and they've been turned into cats as well. Each of you has soft grey fur with three stripes on your forehead and four upon your back. Dirk's eyes are a reddish-pink, Roxy's a blue-purple, and Jake's a milky-white. This seems like a random and abrupt color change that has neither a purpose nor a pattern, so you ignore it. Years pass, although you have no way of knowing this. Nothing much happens, except one day you wake to find yourself human again, with the same eye-colors you'd always had. This happens to your friends as well. You are all EXACTLY THE SAME as you recall being, except Roxy. Her hair has grown around her in a long golden mess, and has started turning brown. Dirk jokes that she has become Rapunzel. You all shrug and go back to scouting a way to escape, except Roxy, who you can hear writing on a piece of paper. When you ask about it, she won't tell you what it is she's writing, only that she found a piece of paper with a magenta star sticker stuck to it when she woke up.

 

You think that sounds awfully suspicious, and resolve to start investigating it immediately.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the most Crack-fic-esque chapter so just, roll with it
> 
> Edit: WAIT HEY, I just noiced that their eyes correspond to their aspects, that was unintentional


	2. Prologue 2, Lost

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> At this point my dream randomly shifted to them being out in the desert. I have no idea how they got there and probably never will.

You are in the desert and CAN'T REMEMBER HOW YOU GOT THERE.

 

You look behind you at the building you were trapped in. It is as stony and formidable as you remember it being, and just looking at its FOUR STORIES sends a shiver up your spine. You resolve to NEVER, EVER go back here again, and when you tell your friends this they all agree with you.

 

The next few years pass by in a blur. You, Dirk, Jake, and Roxy all decide to dig a long cave system in which you will live. You make sure to keep it spacey and well-lit so that it is nothing, NOTHING like the cramped, dim stone prison in which the four of you were kept. The four of you discover a gang of creepy green leprechaun-puppets nearby, whom immediately declare war on you and are generally unpleasant. You try to avoid them. One day, you discover a group of TWELVE CREATURES while scavenging for food and supplies to decorate  your caves with. They are strange, almost humanoid in appearance, but their claws are SHARP and their skin THICK AND GRAY. Orange-yellow horns sit atop their heads in various shapes, and the schlera of their eyes is a bright, luminescent yellow. You soon learn their names to be Kankri, Damara, Rufioh, Mituna, Meulin, Porrim, Latula, Aranea, Horuss, Kurloz, Cronus, and Meenah. Over time, they become good friends of the four of you, and you allow them to live in your cavern home. They hatch a Mother Grub with a Matriorb they bought from a merchant, and soon they get to repopulating their species. Trolls, they called them, telling you of how their entire species was destroyed. By what, they cannot say. They were out fetching water from an oasis and did not witness it. They were lucky, they say, and scared. Very scared, although certain members of their group refuse to admit this.

 

The four of you decide that if they are going to repopulate their species, well then, you may as well repopulate yours. You can recall your pristine white house very clearly, and the bright green grass of your neighborhood that was nothing like the dry sand of this god-forsaken desert. You wish you can go back home. Sadly, you know you never will.

 

Your name is JANE CROCKER and it's just about time you got to starting a civilization.

* * *

 

Your name is JOHN EGBERT and you're EXCITED to be learning about the FOUR FOUNDERS and TWELVE GENERALS of your civilization, one of which you are descended from.

 

 


	3. Memory Loss

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I am very sorry if I offend anyone with John's condition. I don't actually know what it was, whether it really was amnesia, or long-term memory loss, or if those are the same thing. I am not an expert in this. All I know is that it's a condition that John has and it affects his memory, and that is all. So again, sorry if I offend you.

Your name is JOHN EGBERT, and you are JUST ABOUT TO GO TO WAR.

 

There are A FEW THINGS we should know about you before you do. One, you have amnesia. Or something. You are not actually sure what it is. The memory of the elders explaining this to you is, well, foggy, and you weren't exactly trying to pay attention, either. Listening to them ramble on is very, very boring. The only reason you know about this in the first place is because of your buddy KARKAT, who screeched at you about this before shoving a scroll in your face that had YOUR SIGNATURE on it. You told him you didn't remember signing this. He told you that you were being a STUPID BULGELICKING WRIGGLER, BLAH BLAH BLAH and that OF COURSE YOU WOULDN'T REMEMBER, DOOFUS, IF YOU HAD THIS CONDITION, WHICH YOU DO. You just laughed at him. He's really very funny when he talks like this, which is always.

 

The second thing we should know is that you live in THE CAVERNS OF SKAIA. You are not sure who named them this, but you think it sounds awesome. Your best bro for life DAVE agrees with you, except he says he likes it in an _ironic_ way. You rolled your eyes at this. Sure, Dave. Whatever you say.

 

The caverns are a safe haven for lost trolls and humans, and are run by four leaders and twelve generals. The descendants of these people, you and your friends, will be their successors unless they are unwilling, in which case the other inhabitants will vote on somebody else. You think that's strange, though. Who wouldn't want to be leader or general? It sounds awesome! The cavern members are known to outsiders as the Incipisphere Clan, and the clan is know for regular battles with the Felt Clan. You have only just come of age for battle, and though you could have chosen to do something else, you want to be USEFUL. Besides, you have been practicing Breath magic since you were only 5, using the Tome Of Aspects that General Ampora found while exploring. It's the only useful thing he ever did, jokes Vriska. At this, Eridan splutters insults at her angrily, and she just stands their laughing at him. You don't really understand their relationship, or if they even have one. Vriska says she's way out of his league, and Terezi says _everyone_ is way out of his league. You think that's a little harsh, but you wouldn't really know. You haven't interacted much with the younger Ampora.

 

Okay, so now that we've gotten that out of the way, you are READY TO GO TO WAR.

 

But first, there's SOMETHING YOU NEED TO TAKE CARE OF.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BTW General Ampora refers to Cronus, not Eridan.


	4. Dealmaker

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I remembered next to nothing about this part of my dream, besides green rectangles on a laptop screen and John doing shady things before marching out to battle.
> 
> I don't even know what the shady things WERE, just that they were things. And they were shady. And they involved the symbol of a green shamrock.

You creep away to a small alley, and by alley you mean very narrow, very shady underground passage that none of your ancestors knew about or wanted to exist. You feel very, very guilty for doing this, but it has long since passed the point of no return and you CANNOT STOP NOW.

  
Rose is standing there just the way she always is, mysterious and elegant in her inky black gown that seemed to be crafted out of pure shadows. "Hello, John." she says, her violet eyes gleaming with mischief. "And just what would an Heir such as yourself be doing in an passageway such as this on this auspicious, enthralling morning?"

 

You roll your bright blue eyes at her. She knows exactly what you're here for, and you tell her as such. "Roooooooose, you do this every time! Can't you just let me in?"

 

Her lips quirk up in an amused smirk. "I'm afraid not, John. After all, there is the possibility that you may be an impersonator. Mark." To anyone else, that last statement would simply be nonsense, but you understand precisely what she means. You sigh and roll up the hem of your sleeves. A green shamrock is imprinted into your skin, and she nods before pulling out twin black wands. She twirls around and waves them in a quick motion, and it is only a few milliseconds before a rumbling can be heard from the wall in front of you. Teal smoke pours out in puffs, and a section of the stone slides away to reveal a secret stairway leading down into the ground. The first time Dave had seen it, he'd laughed about how ironic it was. Of course, he'd said, there just has to be an ominous secret passageway, doesn't there? Normally, you'd disagree, but this time you have to concur; it is indeed very silly. The least they could do was put some torches in there.

 

You climb down the staircase, the sound of your footsteps echoing in every stride. Eventually, you hear your shoes touch the cool surface of the floor tiles, and then it happens. A shrill cackle vibrated around the wide chamber, and the lights turned on.

 

Your gaze meets the cherry red lenses of Terezi Pyrope, heiress to General Pyrope, and you know before she said it what it was she wanted from you.


	5. Hacker

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sollux and Roxy were not actually in this part of my dream, I just added them here because that made sense.
> 
> Also there is Karkat, because Karkat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heads up, this chapter will be bloody. I did not actually dream any blood except for John's wounds, and I really hate writing blood. It's just... really uncomfortable, and grim, and not what I'm used to. But I had to add it in because this is a war here. So sorry for death and corpses and stuff like that. 0^0

You leave the passageway and return back to the small but cozy little room where you had been waiting for battle.

 

You had just finished in your attempts to help Sollux and Rose's Mom with their very important task of hacking the Felt's Database to find out more about their leader Lord English. They are both much better hackers than you are, so you couldn't really do much besides helping Karkat not blow up his computer  ~~for the ten thousandth time.~~ You wish you could be of more help, but there isn't anything you can think of. Oh well, hopefully the battle will go better than the attempts at hacking.

* * *

 

Your name is JOHN EGBERT, and so far the battle has gone horribly.

 

You are currently heavily wounded and lying semi-bloodily in the middle of a field of grass that had been planted in the little soil Leader English could find among the sand and ended up covering the entire desert through mysterious and almost supernatural means. (You are pretty sure this is Jade's fault.) This is not as awesome as you'd though it would be, not at all. Instead, it's just painful, and you can't believe the amount of corpses you're seeing lying everywhere, some of them in horribly mutilated and twisted and... ugh, you think you're going to be sick. It's not like you didn't expect it, it's just that... it's just... more real than you'd ever thought it would be, and you'd be lying if you said you weren't completely and utterly terrified right now. You hope Feferi and Nanna can get to them in time. You know that with their healing life-y magic, they'd be able to fix them up in no time. 

 

Even with your condition you will never, ever forget this.

* * *

 

You are John Egbert three years from now.

 

You are laughing at all five of your best friends. One is caked in cake batter, one is completely drenched in water and has a lopsided bucket lying on his head, one is all tied up in a ribbon that's making it hard for her to either move or speak, one has a mustache and fake glasses drawn on her face in permanent sharpie, and one has her hair stuck up wildly in the air.

 

You smirk. "Thanksgiving is the best possible time for pranking, other than April Fools."

 

"How is THIS funny, Egderp?" demands Dave furiously gesturing at his body while he spoke. "I've got frosting in my hair, I've got frosting on my clothes, heck I've even got frosting on my freakin' shades and now I'm blind as TZ-"

 

"Oh, suck 8t up Strider!!!!!!!!" shrieks Vriska, clearly flustered by your prank. "8t l8st you can g8 the 8atter OUT of your h8ir! How 8m I supposed to fix this????????"

 

"JOHN!!! The feast is starting in TEN MINUTES!!! We can't go out looking like THIS!!!" Jade says, pointing at her face angrily.

 

"A BUCKET. DID YOU *SERIOUSLY* PLACE A *BUCKET* ABOVE *MY* DOOR?! WHAT THE NOOKSNIFFING JEGUS CHRIST TOLD YOU THAT WAS IN *ANY* WAY A GOOD IDEA?!"

 

Soon they are all shouting at you. You can't exactly hear what rose is screaming under the fabric, but you're sure it's nothing good. The din is so loud, it's starting to draw attention to the six of you, and you can't have that. "Okay, okay, I get it! Seriously, I think you guys MIGHT be overreacting," and you don't stop when you hear them start to protest, "especially considering that there's a way to undo all this." Their angry voices stop abruptly at this, and they look insultingly surprised that you actually thought this far ahead.

 

"What do you mean, a way to undo this? You better not be joking, man, or I might just chop you in half with my sword."

 

"Oh no, a broken katana, whatever shall I do? But seriously, there is a way to undo this."

 

And you grin wickedly at their groans as you begin to glow blue and white. 

Abusing retcon powers, who? Certainly not you, no way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry if this is terrible. I just had to write down my dream, and my dream was weird and random and terrible. Consider this a crack-fic. Or a partly-serious crack-fic. 
> 
> Oh well I tried.


End file.
